With Christmas just a few days away it would seem normal to have that old familiar holiday spirit but I just cannot seem to get there. No matter how I view things my perspective just stays in neutral, not moving forward yet not falling back either. I am trying to keep in mind that Christmas isn't about me or anyone else, it's about the birth of Jesus and that is why we really celebrate the day.
So many people have forgotten that and made it about everything else but him. Maybe I will feel more positive tomorrow, and maybe something good will come of the current funk I find myself in. My thanks to S.O.S Radio for playing the right songs at the right time. Happy Holidays guys.
This I just had to share with those who visit often. I got an early birthday gift this year! To some it might sound ridiculous but to me it is just AWESOME. Everyone who knows me knows I have 3 favorite bands. The main one is Firewind, an incredible power metal band who I have been listening to since 2007.
Tonight I opened my inbox to find them (Yes the actual band) following me on Twitter! I am very greatful for this as I am a mere nobody on the planet earth so to have my favorite band following me is over the top!
Thank you Firewind! You made my birthday this year something to celebrate!
Very recently I have come to find that some who have claimed friendship are about as much a friend as a million dollars in my hand. It has been quite a learning experience and one this go around I won't forget.
Maybe it's because I've chosen God over dramatics and decietful intentions, or maybe it's just that I have grown where they have not and our journey as friends is over. Whatever the reasons I am actually okay with it and do not feel the need to even question it. People come into our lives all the time but that doesn't mean they were meant to stay.
We recently got our water put in after a year of problems with it. It did not get done with anger, drama or Physical force but with honest prayer, faith and calmness that had been missing for many years. Once the anger was let go and the problem turned over to God, we now have our water. For those who do not believe in God, all I can do is pray for you, I hold no ill will towards anyone's religious beliefs and won't.
But to the person who told me believing in something you can't see is stupid, I have this to say to you. Believing you can change what's wrong when nothing is really changing is equally as dumb. I have what is called Faith, you have what is called Arrogance and in the Bible it CLEARLY states, God does not tolerate Arrogance. 1st Samuel 2:3 "Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed."
I choose to believe what I believe and everyone else can believe what they want. Jesus said, "Before the world hated you, they hated me first." That says it all and he suffered the ultimate betrayal. So feeling betrayed by people for me is just not an issue, it's their loss.
Growing up my siblings used to tell me that my pain was just an illusion. My Sen-Sai on the other hand said pain is a warning sign something has happened and the body is re-acting to it. Something that goes against our body and it's natural defenses causes pain. It's kind of like that where God is concerned too.
Think of God as the body and we are going against him, his correction and discipline can often be very painful to us. Although I was born with Rheumatoid Arthritis, it did not really begin causing me pain until after a sports injury when I was 19. Pain causes various emotions, anger being one of the biggest. I used to be become not just angry but enraged when I felt that God was distant from me. I cried out in pain from the RA and because I didn't understand why God had left me in a time I needed him the most. It took a long time to realize God had not left me, I had left him.
The patience to wait for God to answer was just not there for me, so I turned away from him. In doing so I only had more pain and confusion and discontent. God does not turn away from us, he waits for us to recognize his signs and to repent our sins, ask for forgiveness and accept his son Jesus as our Saviour. Life is going to bring pain and loss and negative situations and emotions. It is up to us to take measures so that our lives have as little pain as possible. Start by remembering that there is a way, asking God to help you through your pain, whatever the cause, will surely bring a more positive reaction.
Today marks 30 years since my mother passed away. It has been a day of thinking, reflecting and again putting things into perspective. Life is too short a journey to whine and complain and be angry, to avoid dealing with everyday challenges and just doing the best you can.
My mother had problems, health as well as emotional but she always smiled and tried to give back to others what God had given to her, even if it was only a smile for a frantic cashier or spare change for a homeless man or woman, she never turned away.
She was a gifted woman, an R.N> of 25 years and she loved to sew, quilt and make special gifts for those who had so little. A very dear friend said today on my FB that she was an angel watching over now, I pray that is true and I pray I can be a better person she would be proud of.
I don't think I ever told her enough, but I'm greatful to have had her as my mom. May God give her wings to guide her home to him.
At the end (or almost) of the day I have put a few more things into perspective. Fair weathered words over a computer mean little to nothing and as such is how they will be treated from now on. I was raised that actions speak louder than words and over time I forgot that motto. Not anymore. Sometimes it's good to put things into perspective, step back into reality and see what's being done, not what's being said.
Have a good weekend.
I got quite a bit done on the site today inspite of being up all night and sleeping much later than I had wanted. I want to thank those friends who have supported me through the making of this website. Your emotional support and participation has made it worth the time. For those who know of some of the problems we have been dealing with, the good news is that we will FINALLY have running water by the end of the weekend! We are still trying to figure out what to do first, swimming is out since winter has moved in :P
Nothing else to really report today, but I will up all night again tonight so look for me either around here or Twitter. I have stayed away from FB today for personal reasons but will check that out later or tomorrow. Have a great weekend and again, Thank you for caring, you know who you are... and so do I.
After another long bad night of pain and frustration, I have had the same kind of day. Somedays I find myself feeling ashamed or guilty for crying out or being angry to the point of rage, yelling at God and later remembering this isn't his fault. Then I think of Christopher Reeves and I feel even worse. He ended up in a wheelchair and seldom if ever complained a minute. I end up in one and all I do is feel angry, frustrated, betrayed, alone. Very selfish of me. I used to think of my RA as a gift, something that grounded me and kept me from being self serving and bound to a dangerous fate. Then it took my knees out and I could no longer walk. Having once been so active and so intense about everything I did or thought all came crashing down around me in 2008. I have been blessed with a few friends, my babies (pups) and the gift of life, so why then do I act so selfish?
I'm not the only one who ever went through or still goes through this. I think of our Vets, our troops who are fighting and dying for us, the little kids who never even experienced walking or running or martial arts or riding a bike.
Who am I to be so selfish? Who am I... who am I rings another bell, the song by Casting Crowns that reminds me who I am, and tells me there IS a reason for all of this, even if I cannot see it or understand it. I find myself feeling small and withering from the old me, the one who could run, walk, be helpful, stand tall, give of myself and be a friend. Maybe, just maybe that wasn't who I was supposed to be, that always on the go, rush rush rush never take a break person. Maybe God had a different plan for my life and got tired of me running it into confused circles. Maybe all of this has been exactly what Laura Story sang about, a blessing in disguise. Something to think about.
Today is very cold, breezy and one of those days you want home baked bread and chili or stew. Instead today we have the option of pumpkin pancakes, homemade sub sandwiches and coffee. Can't complain about that. Most days here go slowly, issues and trials, every person has them so why is it when life visits us in a negative way, we tend to forget others have it much worse than we do? Because it's human nature and we are after all human, prone to fall into that old "me me me only me" attitude, and we are all guilty of it at some point. Not all selfish thoughts are bad until they become actions. I have been sitting back watching and learning as I go. The older we get if we're lucky, the more we learn if we only pay attention. There are signs to everything, I hope that for today we all learn to not only see the signs, but follow them.
My Luck with blogs this week has not been very good at all. One was deleted with no real reason, the other would not let me post in the blog! Then a small voice said to me, "Try your website..." Duh... and so here it is, my official NEW blog.
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