After another long bad night of pain and frustration, I have had the same kind of day. Somedays I find myself feeling ashamed or guilty for crying out or being angry to the point of rage, yelling at God and later remembering this isn't his fault. Then I think of Christopher Reeves and I feel even worse. He ended up in a wheelchair and seldom if ever complained a minute. I end up in one and all I do is feel angry, frustrated, betrayed, alone. Very selfish of me. I used to think of my RA as a gift, something that grounded me and kept me from being self serving and bound to a dangerous fate. Then it took my knees out and I could no longer walk. Having once been so active and so intense about everything I did or thought all came crashing down around me in 2008. I have been blessed with a few friends, my babies (pups) and the gift of life, so why then do I act so selfish?
I'm not the only one who ever went through or still goes through this. I think of our Vets, our troops who are fighting and dying for us, the little kids who never even experienced walking or running or martial arts or riding a bike.
Who am I to be so selfish? Who am I... who am I rings another bell, the song by Casting Crowns that reminds me who I am, and tells me there IS a reason for all of this, even if I cannot see it or understand it. I find myself feeling small and withering from the old me, the one who could run, walk, be helpful, stand tall, give of myself and be a friend. Maybe, just maybe that wasn't who I was supposed to be, that always on the go, rush rush rush never take a break person. Maybe God had a different plan for my life and got tired of me running it into confused circles. Maybe all of this has been exactly what Laura Story sang about, a blessing in disguise. Something to think about.
I'm not the only one who ever went through or still goes through this. I think of our Vets, our troops who are fighting and dying for us, the little kids who never even experienced walking or running or martial arts or riding a bike.
Who am I to be so selfish? Who am I... who am I rings another bell, the song by Casting Crowns that reminds me who I am, and tells me there IS a reason for all of this, even if I cannot see it or understand it. I find myself feeling small and withering from the old me, the one who could run, walk, be helpful, stand tall, give of myself and be a friend. Maybe, just maybe that wasn't who I was supposed to be, that always on the go, rush rush rush never take a break person. Maybe God had a different plan for my life and got tired of me running it into confused circles. Maybe all of this has been exactly what Laura Story sang about, a blessing in disguise. Something to think about.
RSS Feed