After another long bad night of pain and frustration, I have had the same kind of day. Somedays I find myself feeling ashamed or guilty for crying out or being angry to the point of rage, yelling at God and later remembering this isn't his fault. Then I think of Christopher Reeves and I feel even worse. He ended up in a wheelchair and seldom if ever complained a minute. I end up in one and all I do is feel angry, frustrated, betrayed, alone. Very selfish of me. I used to think of my RA as a gift, something that grounded me and kept me from being self serving and bound to a dangerous fate. Then it took my knees out and I could no longer walk. Having once been so active and so intense about everything I did or thought all came crashing down around me in 2008. I have been blessed with a few friends, my babies (pups) and the gift of life, so why then do I act so selfish?
I'm not the only one who ever went through or still goes through this. I think of our Vets, our troops who are fighting and dying for us, the little kids who never even experienced walking or running or martial arts or riding a bike.
Who am I to be so selfish? Who am I... who am I rings another bell, the song by Casting Crowns that reminds me who I am, and tells me there IS a reason for all of this, even if I cannot see it or understand it. I find myself feeling small and withering from the old me, the one who could run, walk, be helpful, stand tall, give of myself and be a friend. Maybe, just maybe that wasn't who I was supposed to be, that always on the go, rush rush rush never take a break person. Maybe God had a different plan for my life and got tired of me running it into confused circles. Maybe all of this has been exactly what Laura Story sang about, a blessing in disguise. Something to think about.
12/8/2011 12:58:46 pm

I recently heard that song by Casting Crowns, very moving. My friend, you have a right to vent, be angry, even yell and scream. You and Jo have been through so very much in the past few years. It's good you recognize the problems, you can change them a bit easier that way, but don't say you are selfish. I've known you both a long time, you are anything but.

Buck Dakota
12/9/2011 01:11:47 pm

I'll put it this way man, you have endured too much to not get angry or enraged. No you aren't the only one to do so BUT, God made you you, not someone else. ;)


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